I haven't felt such a rush of rage in a long time. I am usually a fairly benign person devoid of those calluse behavoirs that are saved for the wicked and the cruel. Anytime these feeling well up in me, I feel awkward and completely left of who I am. My stomach knots both with the intense anger and guilt that follows.

Why?

Because I feel guilty for feeling so angry, so enraged. My dosile exterior shakes and I feel the steam coming through the cracks. I am too stone on the outside sometimes and that makes it easy for people to trample upon me. I am rock to them, I am hard and unchanging and unmoving. There are no cracks in me, I am safe to walk all over because I won't crack and I won't go anywhere.

You need to look at me as something else that a thick slab of limestone.

Look at me like rice paper.

Look at me like I was made leaves and flowers.

Look at me and see a crumbling river bank.

Look at me like I am a thin layer of ice that forms overnight on puddles in the first cold days of fall and the last cold ones of spring.

I need to be seen for what I really am. I am not a statue. I am not something to be forgotten about and I am not something to be trampled over. I break. I crack. I rip. I tear.

My rage is justified when it comes. These feelings are not welcome in me but I can make sense of their presence and I can understand where this has stewed from. Why do I feel guilty when I get angry? Should I not be justified to curse at someone or to not agree with their actions. It's hard to draw that line, I find. What I draw and what you draw are different. Pictures of landscapes done with different colors, sceans of oceans done with different horizons.

Understanding is a two way street. I come one way, the person I am connecting with comes another way and we do our best to meet at some intesection that is respectful to both sides. Sometimes the intersection is not needed because there is just an underlying understanding that is so perfect and pure. Other times, you zip around completely unaware someone else is trying to catch your gaze and other times you sit there, confused on the sidewalk, wondering why everyone else is driving together in such fine form and you have no understandings of the rules of the road.

I am social awkward at times.

I lack the ability to be completely comfortable with everyone

I hate when these two facts come to the surface

And they come to the surface in moments when I am place in situations beyond my control

Beyond my scope

There are times when I can make these moments my own and I feel competely at ease in where I am and what I am doing, but there are also times when my own anxity of rejection comes and stings every inch of me and I just can't ignore it.

I fear rejection more than I fear any other thing in this world and the possiblity of being rejected, on any level - small, medium or large creates such anxity in me that I freeze up, I clam up, I choke up and I become inward.

And then when it happens, when I am pushed aside, when I am dumped along the road, or when I am just plainly forgotten about, I cast off everyone and I turn inward. My silence becomes deafing. This trust level, which has slowly increased and has become strong, suddenly gets the wind knocked out of it and it's supports crumble. I am wrecked internally because of rejection. There sometimes seems to be a need to rebuild this wall of trust and mutual respect but I am scared. I have seen the building collapse due to lack of concern and I have a very hard time lending my hand in to build it again.

It's the rejection fear. It debilitates me. It takes me twice as long to come back out again and twice as long to trust again.

I fear it more than death and I can feel it's claws rake at me and I can feel it's sideeffects slowly killing me.

Rejection + lack of trust = D E A T H

The equation of my life.......