Monday, November 02, 2009

NaNoWriMo

So, I've taken on the challenge again - NaNoWriMo Write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. I did it a few years ago and completed the challenge so I am up for it again this year. The theme of my book - Writers Block. I've had a horrible case of it and I'm using NaNoWriMo to helpfully discover why I'm blocked and ways I can break through it.

I'm writing different ways, doing different stories and things during the month. Today, I started writing a story about a Vampire (something I haven't done since high school - seeing if going back to my roots help) and it somehow turned into a tale of an artist... well, here is some of it.. enjoy.....

I’ve been spending too much time in the studio these days. The oils are encrusting themselves on my skin. I refuse to bathe when I am on a creative role as its usually bad luck. I believe it’s true that the people around you can inspire you and push you. I’ve been lucky enough these days to be asked to attend a few functions with Mr. Picasso. It started innocently enough – being at the same shows, knowing some of the same people, being in the same places by circumstance. It was only a matter of time before we talked in person, really. I spoke with his wife first, a lady by the name of Jacqueline while having some port in a bar when I was visiting the south-east of France. We talked long that night – she noticed the oil paint staining my pants and when she mentioned she was married to Mr. Picasso, well, I was enthralled. She had told me she had seen me around, cavorting with friends of theirs, strolling along the streets of Mougins with a mutual friend. I told her I was thinking of moving to the area and was looking for someplace suitable for an artist to live. She asked for the phone number of the hotel I was staying in and told me she knew the perfect place. She said she would call me with a time when I could view it.
Jacqueline didn’t disappoint. She called me two days later with the address of an apartment block over-looking Cannes. The space was perfect – almost like two villas stuck together, separated by some French doors. The rent was perfect and I moved in that weekend. After that, we talked often, usually a few times a week and when we saw each other at functions, we kissed and talked like old friends. It was shortly after I moved into my apartment that she introduced me to Pablo. He was soft spoken at first and surprisingly spry for someone in their early 90’s. It was a hot afternoon in a cafĂ©; we both happened to be there at the same time and shared some cool wine. Beautiful afternoon, the sun high in the sky, some old soul by Otis Redding playing over the bistro’s speakers, beautiful beads of sweat covering our knuckles. Jacqueline told Pablo I was a painter, working with oils and that she was dying to see my work, only catching a glimpse of it when she brought me a bottle of wine as a house warming present when I first moved in. We were only two blocks from the apartment, why not come over, I suggested.
We finished out drinks, Pablo paid the bill and after a short walk in the summer heat, we took the rusty fright elevator up to my apartment, on the fifth floor of the building. I was nervous, not sure, feeling some strange pressure coming down on my shoulders. This was Mr. Pablo Picasso. I studied his ‘Gluernica” over and over and over. I even had a worn out poster print of it hanging on the wall in my studio. This made me blush horribly as they both stepped into my studio. I saw him smirk slightly at the poster and continue on into the room, not saying much.
They were both quiet as they looked through the canvases and sheets of paper all over. I really didn’t have a ‘style’ back then; I was all over the board – some still life, a few horrible attempts at cubism, some Art Deco style sketches and a few huge canvases of Dali-type craziness. I felt suddenly embarrassed by my lack of focus in my works. I’ve become the personification of an artist factotum and I was disappointed in myself.
Pablo stopped at a canvas resting behind my old desk. It was about a foot tall and featured a simple picture of trees in a forest, with pages of script attached to the trunks. It was natural, yet surreal. He stared at it a long time, soon Jacqueline joined him and they both stood silent, heads both tipped to the left as they studied.
“How much?” Pablo’s voice broke the silence softly, with a slight frog-like croak.
“Pardon?”
“How much do you want for this painting? Or is it not for sale? If it’s not for sale, then I would suspect it to be in a place of more importance. If it is for sale, what would you like for it?”
My thoughts were swimming, and my mouth suddenly felt dry. I stared at the painting, one I wasn’t too proud of, that I always was touching up, always trying to finish.
“Um, I’m not sure. I never thought...”
“I’ll give you four hundred for it.” I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out, just a hiss of air. I started to stutter. Pablo sat down at my desk, pulled out a cheque book and started to write a check. “Here,” he said, handing the cheque to me. “Four hundred. Please sign the painting and bring it to me next week. My wife and I are having a dinner party. Just a few people. We would love you to join us. You can bring me my painting then.” They both started to walk to the door, smiling and make small talk with me while they gathered themselves and headed back down in the elevator. I watched the elevator disappear into the darkness of the shaft and walked back to my studio, sat at my desk and stared at the cheque before me.

For the next few days, my attention was always drawn to the painting. I always felt it was never finished, that I had so much more to do to it, but now felt like I had run out of time to perfect it. After drinking much wine and smoking too many cigarettes, I decided to sign the painting and put it in the front hall, picture facing the wall so I wouldn’t think of it anymore.

April 8th was a surprisingly warm day. One week had passed since the Picasso’s were at my studio. The painting they had purchased was still leaning against the wall. I had not touched it since I signed it and when I turned it around to have another good look at it, I suddenly regretted my decision to sign it and put it aside. The leaves needed work and one of the papers coming from the tree was left completely blank. I was embarrassed and felt like a child giving one of the most famous painters in the world a horrible picture I did in crayons and markers, with no thought or reason behind it. I was beyond disappointed. I sat looking at the painting, opened a bottle of wine and started to drink. The more I ingested, the more I hated the picture. I knew if I drank enough, my hate would turn to some kind of bloated, egotistical love for the thing, knowing that I, James Herbone had sold a painting to the great Pablo Picasso.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

SCENTS

I just made brownies. The apartment, which was filled the lovely scent of a chickpea pasta sauce has been replaced with this sticky-sweet smell that reminds me of my mother. Baking should be it's own scratch and sniff sticker. The scent is wholesome, warming, happy. I hate baking, but to get that smell, that scent that is so distinct, with its unique undertones as to what you are preparing, makes it worth it.

Amidst the baking smell, there is the underlay of warm chocolate, of coca hardening on the outside, while its inside remains soft, gooey and inviting. I want to bathe in it.

I am waiting for the brownies to cool a bit before I try to ice them. I hate the melty mess icing can become when the brownies are too warm. I want to break into them but I have to wait.

It's a reward for the day, a reward and cheers to my ability to mother my son and be prepared for anything. Today, for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was in control and had a firm and resounding grasp on this 'motherhood' thing. I know that next week, or next month, something might happen to make me second guess my abilities, but for now, I am confident and I am proud. My chest is pumped up, and I feel pride for the virtues I've instilled and the lessons I have given. Its these little things - the behaving well in public, my ability to be prepared for anything, the respect (or as much respect as an 11 month old can give). We have given these things to our son, we have worked to make them a part of his nature and I can see the seeds have been planted and now need tender care and nurturing for them to grow.

He's sleeping peacefully. I just went in and tried to take a picture but the sounds of the camera was disturbing him to much and I couldn't get a good shot - maybe another time.

The brownies need my attention.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Awakening, Preparing

I just woke up from a 45 minute nap. I had a whole plan of things I wanted to complete this morning and none of them got done because I became a slave to my bed. Oh bed, how I love you. I love you too much, you are like a dirty lover I hide from my friends and family. I am attached to you and the way you give, just enough, when I lay with you. You summon me, I think of you in the most inapproporiate moments. I long for you, I want you all to myself, I hog you.

So now, I'm wishing I was still in bed, dreaming. I blew my morning so I better not do the same to the afternoon. The Sea Monkey is in day care and I planned to come home and do a workout and some laundry. Neither have been touched and now I feel a bit more rested but guilty. Ah bed, you are just like an affair - we know its wrong, we try to stay strong, but we give in and the other things in our live suffer.

Lunch with a friend shortly. I've just cleaned myself up and am kind of stunned. It only took me about 20 minutes to get ready, shower and all. I forgot how quickly I could do things before the baby.

Sea Monkey had a better day at a day care yesterday, but all I heard was him crying as I walked out the door today. Its amazing to know he loves me so, but gut wrenching to hear it expressed in that way. I'm sure he'll get used to it soon, he's a very adaptable and independent little boy. I have full faith.

I am going to be using my next week of free time to prepare for the nanowrimo challenge. I completeled it in 2007 but was baby busy in 2009. I will be back on track this year. My brain is a wash with ideas about what I should write about. I debated writing about the mod scene in Winnipeg in the early 2000's, when I first got invovled, but think an idea like that needs more research and planning than I am ready to give at this point. My current plan of action is to write the hipsters guide to childbirth and rearing. That's where I stand - a sort of personal tale of my struggle as a 'hipster' mom. Sounds weak to me, but my idea train has been derailed. I always did better with social commentary pieces than straight fiction, I've found. I need to base things on reality or I'm in for trouble. I believe I can do it this year, I have a strong urge to show that I can still do these things, even with newborn babe in tow. Event starts in 11 days.. I better be ready.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Intention

I'm taking the camera out today. I've fallen out of love with photography - yet again. This upsets me because I know deep down in my heart I love it and I love seeing things through my camera's eye. It's brunch today with the ladies and babies - my baby will be staying home with daddy. It's a nice break he's giving me. I will play photographer with the ladies, knowing the Sea Monkey is in good hands with his dad.

Child starts daycare tomorrow. I'm filled with excitement and apprehension. Part of me is starting to feel guilty about looking forward to the time alone. I will miss the kiddo, I am sure it will be hard, but I'm also going to take the time to get used to me again.

I'm working on myself. It's been a rough few months here and I'm trying to come out on top. The negativity surrounding me was horrible, drowning me deeper and deeper. I'm making changes and I'm working on fixing me. I've started to dissect my negative nature, my anger. I'm exercising on a regular basis, I'm meditating again. Small changes will lead to big changes and I'm looking forward and ahead. Things are improving and they will get better.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

So Tired, Crying, Proverbal Fire

I'm feeling a bit winded today. Not sure exactly why or what is causing it. Most likely it has to do with my fucked up sleeping patterns. I hate it. I need some stability in my sleeping again, none of this hogwash that;s been going on. It's very counter productive. I go to bed at about one in the morning, sleep until about 6 AM. The Sea Monkey usually stirs sometime between 7 and 8 AM. I'm then up with him till about 10 AM, when he gets his first nap of the day. He usually falls asleep pretty easily and I then curl back up in bed with Punk Boy. When Sea Monkey wakes at about 11:30 AM, Punk Boy gets up with him and I sleep a bit longer, usually until noon. This royally sucks. I've been trying hard to skip that morning nap and go to bed earlier, but once you start in a bad habit, it's very hard to break. I'm having trouble and my will-power just isn't what it used to be. I cave as soon as I walk out of the Sea Monkey's closet and see the soft and comfy bed. It's so goddamn inviting that I just can't resist. I need to adjust and stop doing this. I've been good, but then I relapse and before you know it, I'm hooked. I need nappers AA...

The Sea Monkey has been crying, a lot this evening. Yesterday we noticed that his top tooth has decided to come through. I think its giving him some trouble and when he put him down for bed at eight, he proceeded to cry and cry and cry until we took him out of his crib at 8:30. We played with him, fed him a bottle, tried to wear him out. By the time we put him back in the crib at 9:30, he was tired but still teary and cried a few times. It's now almost 10PM and no noises from the bedroom. I think he is sleeping.

I love my son. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my son. He is my everything and its strange for me to feel regret or remorse about the changes he produced in my life, but I suppose its normal as well. Every so often, I mourn the loss of my past life. I feel extremely guilty for these regretful feelings and beat myself up every time I have them. I need to stop doing that. I look at pictures of events my friends have attended, I talk to people who are going to dinners, parties, outings and I sometimes get so envious as for me to attend any sort of function requires serious planning. There is no 'spur of the moment' anymore. I can't wake up at whatever time I want to on a Sunday, decided to talk a walk to the village for Sushi. I can't just call someone up and see if they want to see a movie. These things, though possible, are not as accessible as they were before the Sea Monkey. I was the life of the party, I was at the center of it all and at times, I really miss it. But to be fair, at times, I also am glad to be slightly removed from it, to be doing this 'family' thing. It's a cliche, but it is rewarding and it is fulfilling. I think anyone who doesn't mourn their past life hasn't adjusted at all to the new life around them or they just aren't being honest with themselves. It's part of the growing process. I sometimes feel a bit cheated because the Sea Monkey wasn't planned. I never decided to change the direction of my life, it changed for me.

To be truthful, I am fine with the way my life is and I find motherhood very groovy. Sometimes I just wish I was at the center of it all again, I wish I was a part of it.

I am lucky. I have the best people around me, people who try to include and who keep me in their heart. Thank god for them. They make me feel like everything is going to be alright...

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Blister and Napping

I have a blister on the big toe of my right foot. It's not a bad one, but it's annoying and throbs slightly. I got it from pounding the pavement yesterday looking for the mono Beatles box set. My search didn't yield any positive results and now I have this blister.

It feels better now that I've popped it.

Sea Monkey is sleeping, Punk Boy is sleeping. I am therefore enjoying a moment of solitude this morning. I topped it off with a homemade (not by me) grilled cinnamon bun. I'm debating crawling back into bed for a little nap. It's pro-active to my sleeping pattern, but its so glorious all the same. Napping is such a gluttonous thing to do, it is a completely selfish thing to do. I know these moments are rare and with Punk Boy being off work, I know this is a rare thing and I should take advantage. But I feel awful sleeping in until noon. Something so nice about crawling back into that bed, burrowing under the covers and closing my eyes. I started writing about this topic in order to convince myself to stay up, but instead, I think I've convinced myself to go back to my warm bed...

To nap...

Tuesday, September 08, 2009

Random Thoughs for September 6/09



  • Beatles re-releases are coming out this week and I'm giddy. Beatles Rock Band is also on the release list and I have my reserved copy coming in from Amazon, hopefully by the end of the week. I am itching to get my hands on the re-issued, vinyl pressing of the mono mix of Revolver and Sg. Pepper (that sentence alone solidifies me as a music nerd.. next!)
  • First pedicure this week. Both nervous and excited.
  • Over halfway done the AE Sport 30 day challenge and I am not feeling pain as horribly in my legs as I have at the beginning. Maybe the damn thing is working?
  • Trying to train the Sea Monkey to sleep without a soother is going to kill me, slowly. Screams and screams but as soon as I give him that damn soother, he's out like a light. Punk Boy isn't here to help me with keeping to my word during nap time, hopefully bedtime tonight will go better.
  • I'm freakin' shocked at our latest Hydro bill. Why the fuck is it for over $300? I thought the point of a budget was to even out the payments over the year and not to get dinged later on? Fuckers. I'm paying you this full amount in two payments this month, MB Hydro and if you don't like it, you can suck my cock.
  • Daycare is starting to really wear me out but I think I might have a lead on a place in Wolsey that may have daycare for November for the little guy.
  • I am loving this rain today. It's dark and heavy and has made the sky a hazy mess that I find stunning and incredible. The city has developed a thin layer of dirty late summer dust and this rain is going to clean everything up so well. Fuck yeah!
  • I need to clean up my potty mouth, seriously. I keep razzing Punk Boy about the swearing so I need to clean up my lingo as well.
  • I need to start taking more pictures again. This always happens. I go crazy with the pictures and then I get bored and take about a month off. Time to get finger snapping picture happy!
  • Odd items currently on my desk: A dirty plate with wrappers from some sweet Baklava I had last night, the handle to a swiffer duster, metal martini glass (empty), about $130 in cash, tons of pamphlets about baby immunizations, hair clips
  • I have Jerry Springer on the TV. I'm not watching it but when it comes to having the TV on for background noise, Springer is the best.