These mid-night feedings are getting easier. When we first brought baby home, I barely slept and was up at all hours, ready to feed the little guy. I had strange dreams and visions when I did fall asleep that I had taken the baby into the bed with me and I'd wake up in a bit of a panic, wondering where he was. I would be afraid to move and would pat around for a few minutes in my tired haze before realizing that I never took the baby into the bed with me, that he was safe in his crib like he always is at night. It took a good month for these incidents to subside.

Now, I don't envision him among us in the sheets of the big bed. I know he's in his crib and I am free to roll and flop around as much as you can with another adult sleeping beside you. I am not afraid to sleep. I would lie in bed listening for the baby's breathing, would strain my ears to hear him. SIDS scared the shit out of me, still does.

He's safe in there now. This evening was exceptionally good. Changed his diaper and put him in a sleeper around 10:30. Placed him in the crib, covered him with a few blankets and let him snuggle the strange blanket-with-an-animal-head-attached toy that he drooled all over earlier. I read him a book about Animal tails, turned on the nightlight and the mobile, turned off the lights and left him. He whined, not cried, for a little bit and after about half an hour, I gave him a soother. He feel asleep shortly after that and slept soundly until I woke up him at 2:45 for a feeding. He sleeps more and more at night and I am slowly feeling more and more rested, returning more and more to myself. There is still high tension in the house that are caused by a lack of serious sleep, but they are getting better, so much better.

I do, however, find myself getting into a habit that I should break soon. I get hit by a wall of tired at around four PM every day, and it appears that baby does as well. I feed him and then hold him upright, usually resting him on my chest and I tend to doze off, fall asleep with him in my arms on the sofa. The problem with this is when I come too, I check if he is okay (usually he is sleeping too) and go right back to closing my eyes. I have done this two days in a row. I need to change that.

He's beautiful. When he is full relaxation mode in his bed, he sleeps with his heart lips slightly agape, his arms up on either side of his head. Sometimes I find him clutching the blankets to him. I check on him too many times at night - I am afraid I am becoming an over-bearing mother but I need to know he is alright. I want him to be independent and to not feel smothered. It's a hard line - you want to mold them and shape them into these great little people but you are afraid what your doing is just going to fuck them up. These are the most important years for development and we have no real way to communicate. He can't tell me if he really likes being placed in the psydo-babysitter or if he hates it. He can't tell me when he just wants to be held for a few minutes or if I am smothering him. I'm walking a fucking ledge here.

He smiles, so I must be doing something right.

He also cries, but don't all babies?