I haven't felt much like doing anything too creative these days. I've lost the urge that seems to have exploded in me just a few weeks earlier. It's hard to explain, but suddenly I just don't want to be creative, I don't want to think hard, and I don't want to be blamed for not feeling this way.

Things have happened to beat me down a little bit. I'm not completely upset by them - as soon I'll crawl forward from this battering, this 'my anger is more important than your anger' scenario I keep finding myself in. I'm not used to being this angry at, well, anyone. I have this urge to just about completely stamp out the source of my anger, keep them at arms length and only associate with them as much as is necessary to keep up the airs that I don't hate them.

Ever felt that way? About a friend, about a family member? Just had it completely up to here with them and you just don't have the heart to cut them completely out of your life, but part of you, some deep part of you, really wants to. It's difficult - I'm usually the 'shut-up-about-it' kind of girl. I roll over and let the situation walk all over me for fear that I might upset the other. I'm feeling done with that now and am throwing caution to the wind on it. I think I used to do it out of fear of being alone. I don't fear that anymore.

Part of me doesn't fear that because of the baby. I'll never, ever be alone. But I also don't want to leave the responsibility of my mental well-being on a developing baby. NOT FAIR.

Speaking of baby - he is doing so well. The last two days, he has seemed to do nothing but smile at me and it warms me completely. Makes me think that even though I am completely winging this motherhood thing, that I am doing something right - I am making him happy. I worry about dumb things. He sleeps like a dream a night. Three months old and he'll sleep soundly from nine PM till six AM. I'm afraid letting him sleep through the night like that and miss a nighttime feeding might not be good for him. Is it better to let him sleep or should I just wake him up? I'm afraid I'm not feeding him enough. Afraid that when I take him back to the doctors next week, I'll get another one of those negative report cards and have to bring the poor child back for weekly check-ups until he is in the clear about, well, whatever it is that is hurting him.

It's a sick experiment - first time parenthood. You do what you think is right and you can be inadvertently hurting this poor, helpless soul. Fucked up, if you ask me.