My body feels heavy.

I can't explain it, but it starts at the very top of my forehead with a constant pressure that seems to drip down my body, rest on the tops of my cheeks, my shoulders, hips and the top of my feet. No matter how I rub these body parts, the feeling of heaviness stays. It's like I can feel the full pull of gravity from 24 floors up.

It's annoying. No matter how I shift, shake or rub myself, the heavy feeling stays. I noticed it about fifteen minutes ago. It just kind of showed up with a determination that makes me wonder if it was always there and I have just been ignoring it.

I don't have time to notice these things anymore - the way gravity feels on my when I am in our high rise home, how the rough souls of my feet scratch and catch on the rough carpet. It's so quiet in here that I'm almost afraid to breath, because breathing will disturb something, anything.

I was out in the country today with the sea monkey, visiting the new grandparents. It was a great afternoon, even thought sea monkey was fussy and whiny. He's had some very long days in the past week and a bit (maybe I need to take it easy on the going out - seems to be affecting him), and I think he is feeling a bit out of his element. To make things easier on him, I told my parents I would be hauling ass home so he could be in bed by his bedtime of 8:30. I arrived home at about 7:45 PM to a silent and dark house. Things seemed undisturbed from this morning when I left with sea monkey. Lights were on and the kitchen was still clean from when I took the time to straighten it up this morning. All this lead me to believe one thing - Punk Boy has not come home from work yet. I put the sea monkey to bed ( he went down with little to no fight) and then cleaned up some odds and ends that I didn't get to this morning. I played some music softly from the computer - Elvis Costello, and listened to the sound of the cars on Assiniboine street below. The weather is cool, but the apartment was too hot and I opened the window to cool it down to a bearable temperature. It's now almost 9:30 PM and Punk Boy is no where to be seen, no where to be heard from. I'm enjoying the quiet, almost amazed that I have the time and the solidarity to feel the gravity pull, but am slowly starting to worry about him. Two phone calls, one text message since I've arrived home and no response.

I'm not completely worried yet, just a bit unsure.

The air conditioner just clicked on, the hum competing with the cars from down below. I'm not used to this quiet, to this freedom. I lived alone before moving in with Punk Boy and having our Sea Monkey. All I knew was solidarity and now that I have it again, I'm feeling a little bit like a fish out of water.

What did I do when I was alone, before all this change? I can barely remember these days. I use to write, waste my time on the internet. I would read and if I had a bottle of wine, would drink it. Sleep, masturbate, bake cookies, watch movies, debate going out - there was an endless list of things I must have done. I loved my time alone, I completely enjoyed living with out anyone around. I wish I would have done more to capture moments like this - pictures, prose, anything. They are rare now, and not as familiar as they once were. I almost miss all the action.

Sea Monkey is sound asleep. He is down for the count - fine by me. Tomorrow is a busy day, I should take advantage of this quiet time and watch the videos that the public health nurse left behind. Some crap about feeding your baby. Sea Monkey is so easy going that getting those first spoonfuls of food into him was not that difficult. Not sure I have need to watch the stupid thing.
I'm just lazy - that's what it boils down to. I don't want to spend what little alone time I do get watching a movie on how to feed my baby. He seems to have a handle on that - I'm not worried.

Still no Punk Boy.

Should I be scared? I'm not scared but am feeling a bit uneasy. What's the deal?

I can hear shouting in the street. I think it's time to close the window and change tasks. Maybe moving will make the gravity pull feel less strange...