Free Weekend

Yesterday Punk Boy and I dropped the Sea Monkey off to spend the whole weekend with my parents. Yes, the whole weekend. We will go and pick him back up on Sunday. I have been looking very forward to this weekend for a long time. Two, count them, two days in a row where I can sleep in and not feel guilty about it. Honestly, the only one who makes me feel guilty when I sleep in is, well, myself. But that's just how I am. I'm the soul care giver for the little guy and it's my responsibility to make sure he is cared for and that his needs are met - even if his need is to be awake and playing at six in the morning. I have to bite bullet and do it. I heard someone say that putting baby's schedule before yours can be the most difficult thing about motherhood - that, in the end, your time really isn't your own anymore and when you do get some 'me' time, you better cherish it. I didn't believe it, really. I had no issue doing what baby demanded of me but after about the six month point, I really started to get exhausted from it all. Not physically (well a little bit physically) but emotionally. My time, really, was not MY TIME anymore. Once the Sea Monkey started to sleep better and through the night, sure I was given some of that 'me' time back, but somehow it just isn't the same. I was used to doing what I want, when I wanted it. Now I am given options of what to do at specific times. I can't just really get dolled up and head out to the pub when the baby is sleeping. I'm not just able to jump in the car and go clothing shopping. These things require planning, timing, and help from others.

This is something we take on as mothers, I suppose. Remember that movie "A Christmas Story" about the kid who wants to BB gun for Christmas? There is one part in the movie where the family is at the dinner table eating and the mom is just constantly on the go, filling plates, getting drinks, etc. The narrator says something along the lines of "my mother hasn't had a warm meal in about ten years.' I can relate to that now, I can understand that now. You are at the whim of all these elements, all these demands and your demands just get pushed a little bit aside. I used to think that scene in the movie was fucking funny.. now, I ain't laughing so hard.

Don't misunderstand. I have totally embraced motherhood, but at times, I miss my old life and the things I used to do. It's a hard balance to try and keep and I suppose that I just couldn't go on living the way I was before. I had to grow up. Nothing like taking care of another life to jar you a bit, I guess. There are these crazy rewards that make the sacrifices completely worth it of course:

• First time Baby smiled at me. I'll remember that moment for the rest of my fucking life. I had just finished changing him, and put him on the bed and was leaning over the little Sea Monkey, being my stupid self when suddenly, he just smiled. That's it - smiled like he'd been doing it his whole life. I broke down into tears.
• First time I made the Sea Monkey laugh. Again, being my stupid self and playing around with his soother (because it always makes him smile) and I popped the thing outta my mouth, made some stupid noise and there it was, that goddamn cute little baby giggle.
• First time he said 'MaMa.' I don't really know if its more the first time he said it or the reason he says mama. When he needs to be comforted, when he's hungry or upset, he starts to chant 'mamamamamamama.' My baby NEEDS me. My baby comes to me when he needs something. That's soul shattering, man.

They may seems simple, fuck they may even seem silly but to me, they are Earth shattering and all emcombasing moments in my life. I never used to believe that a baby's smile could melt you. I hated children. Now, being the one who receives that smile, my whole attitude has changed.

So today, is day two without the little one. We both slept in (Punk Boy, as a matter of fact, is still sleeping) and today we are going out together to the Cavern to catch some music. Haven't done that in ages.

My stomach is growling. I think I should make some breakfast. I know exactly what I want. I will take six eggs and whip them up with some cream and make some fantastic scrambled eyes. I'll then take two potatoes, shred them in the cheese shredder. I'll go and fry some onions and a little garlic in a pan, then add the shredded potatoes and cook until the potatoes are crispy (my mom's way of making hash browns that I just loved as a kid). Maybe cut some fresh fruit up with that and make some toast. Punk Boy and I picked up this incredibly fresh and delicious looking Pumpkin Seed bread yesterday. Can't wait to break into that.

Time for breakfast...