Smootherin' Motherin'

I've been thinking a lot about motherhood these days. Kind of hard not to - its become how I 'define' myself. I am now and forever will be 'mother' or 'mom.' Fuck, I bet at one point in my life, I will be referred to as 'my ol' lady' by my little sea monkey.

They say prostitution is the oldest profession. I say screw that, it's motherhood. I am labeling it as a profession because its a fuck load of work. CONSTANT work. Your on the job 24/7 and breaks are few and far between. Mom's need to set up a union. Better rights...

Its incredible that my actions, no matter how small or how grand, are going to affect this babies life forever. Fucking scary concept. I've fucked up, I've lost my temper, I've cried, I've thrown things and I've yelled. I get this way without a vacation, even at my old office job.

Life seems to be put on hold. Punk Boy asks me very so often if I'm regretful about the fact now I'm stuck at home with a 'soon-to-be' husband and baby. It usually does not bother me but sometimes, like today, I feel the smothering affect of motherhood. Is it normal to feel like you need to escape sometimes? Like if you don't get out from the fold, alone, for a good chunk of time, you don't know what you'll do? Maybe pull out all your hair.

But the kicker, the real kicker is when you do get that break, when you get out alone, all you do is sit and wonder about the home life or what baby is doing or if dad is doing things the way you would or if the babysitter is paying enough attention to our son or if they are just putting them in the circle of neglect (AKA the exer-saucer) and gabbing on the phone all night? Horrible double edged sword.

I'm learning to let control go a little bit. Sure I'm a strict kind of schedule person and Punk Boy understands that about me and respects it. I know when I'm away he does his best to stick to that but one thing I've learned about Punk Boy is he is unscripted and unscheduled. He is a 'seat-of-his-pants" kind of guy. Keeps me and Sea Monkey on our toes.

Sea monkey will be six months in a about one week. Six months. I was flipping through old pictures the other day, looking at ones of him when he was very little, about three weeks and I had a huge rush of how I felt in those days. Helpless, tired, lost, confused, depressed, so on and so forth. Amazing how, somewhere along the way, things just sort of clicked with sea monkey. I suppose its like meeting any new person, you need to adjust to them and they to you. Maybe now we are just comfortable with each other and I know that I can't 'break' sea monkey. He's a tough baby and a good baby. I'm really lucky for that and I count my blessings every day.

Its another grey day outside and I do need to venture out to the bank and the grocery store. I'll do it after noon, when sea monkey should be having his second nap. Maybe he'll be tired and just sleep through all the errands...