So Tired, Crying, Proverbal Fire

I'm feeling a bit winded today. Not sure exactly why or what is causing it. Most likely it has to do with my fucked up sleeping patterns. I hate it. I need some stability in my sleeping again, none of this hogwash that;s been going on. It's very counter productive. I go to bed at about one in the morning, sleep until about 6 AM. The Sea Monkey usually stirs sometime between 7 and 8 AM. I'm then up with him till about 10 AM, when he gets his first nap of the day. He usually falls asleep pretty easily and I then curl back up in bed with Punk Boy. When Sea Monkey wakes at about 11:30 AM, Punk Boy gets up with him and I sleep a bit longer, usually until noon. This royally sucks. I've been trying hard to skip that morning nap and go to bed earlier, but once you start in a bad habit, it's very hard to break. I'm having trouble and my will-power just isn't what it used to be. I cave as soon as I walk out of the Sea Monkey's closet and see the soft and comfy bed. It's so goddamn inviting that I just can't resist. I need to adjust and stop doing this. I've been good, but then I relapse and before you know it, I'm hooked. I need nappers AA...

The Sea Monkey has been crying, a lot this evening. Yesterday we noticed that his top tooth has decided to come through. I think its giving him some trouble and when he put him down for bed at eight, he proceeded to cry and cry and cry until we took him out of his crib at 8:30. We played with him, fed him a bottle, tried to wear him out. By the time we put him back in the crib at 9:30, he was tired but still teary and cried a few times. It's now almost 10PM and no noises from the bedroom. I think he is sleeping.

I love my son. There is nothing I wouldn't do for my son. He is my everything and its strange for me to feel regret or remorse about the changes he produced in my life, but I suppose its normal as well. Every so often, I mourn the loss of my past life. I feel extremely guilty for these regretful feelings and beat myself up every time I have them. I need to stop doing that. I look at pictures of events my friends have attended, I talk to people who are going to dinners, parties, outings and I sometimes get so envious as for me to attend any sort of function requires serious planning. There is no 'spur of the moment' anymore. I can't wake up at whatever time I want to on a Sunday, decided to talk a walk to the village for Sushi. I can't just call someone up and see if they want to see a movie. These things, though possible, are not as accessible as they were before the Sea Monkey. I was the life of the party, I was at the center of it all and at times, I really miss it. But to be fair, at times, I also am glad to be slightly removed from it, to be doing this 'family' thing. It's a cliche, but it is rewarding and it is fulfilling. I think anyone who doesn't mourn their past life hasn't adjusted at all to the new life around them or they just aren't being honest with themselves. It's part of the growing process. I sometimes feel a bit cheated because the Sea Monkey wasn't planned. I never decided to change the direction of my life, it changed for me.

To be truthful, I am fine with the way my life is and I find motherhood very groovy. Sometimes I just wish I was at the center of it all again, I wish I was a part of it.

I am lucky. I have the best people around me, people who try to include and who keep me in their heart. Thank god for them. They make me feel like everything is going to be alright...