Stress

Its amazing what stress can do to your body. I've never had a panic attack in my life, but let me tell you, I felt close the last few days.

Have you ever been unable to unstress yourself? I have always been pretty good at handling stressful situations and have always been able to bring myself down to a state of peace, but yesterday I was unable to see the common sense right in front of my face and I could not bring myself down off my cliff. I called my mother, a hysterical mess yesterday. I was out of control, completely nuts. I did not feel at all like myself and even today, even after I've reached my apex and receded, I'm still on edge and completely baffled with myself.

I was a mess and I'm almost afraid to admit how weak I felt. I was at a complete loss and could not handle anything - the disarray the apartment was in, the lack of proper food in our fridge and the screaming toddler who would not chill. My lack of control has fucked me up and scared me. I'm lucky that I had someone close to call, that my mother was there and was able to talk me down. I can't help but think where I would be had she not been there and wasn't able to give me the time I needed and the soft, encouraging words. Thank god for mothers.

The little guy is asleep. I am fighting the urge to check in on him as he was just laid down about half an hour ago. He is probably sound asleep as he had a super active day, but I shouldn't risk it. He is reaching this stage that is starting to drive me nuts - the terrible twos. Kid is not even two yet - I'm not prepared for this. He is a bit nuts these days, throwing fits and screaming and crying like its the end of the world when I take something away from him that he shouldn't have. Makes me feel like a complete failure when he wails like that. The fits are short lived, yes, but they are swift to come and so intense that I fear them. I'm sure, like anything to do with him, I'll learn how to deal with these moments and how to handle them. I also need to not be so worried about them and stop caring what people say when he throws one of these fits in public. They are short, so I know they will be over soon, but I know how horrible my thoughts were towards young, screaming children before I became a mother. I know what people think...

I can't help but feel that judgement. Its instinctive and natural and I don't blame people at all for being pissed off around my screaming toddler. I was the same way when I was younger. The only thing that really forced me to change the way I thought about screaming children was to become a mother. People who were like me - completely against children, won't change their view unless forced too and its these people I cringe when I see in public. You can tell who they are. They give you this disgusting look as soon as your child raises their voice a few decibels above normal and god forbid the child throws something, as you could hear the scoff from miles away. They are harsh and quick to judge and have no sympathy for the mother frantic to calm her over-active child.

I Find myself avoiding places where the childless spend most of their time. My life now revolves around restaurants that have a collection of their own highchairs. These are the places that are somewhat safe. These places are child friendly and its the other persons fault for being pissed off around a screaming child in one of those environments, as the welcome signs were sitting in a pile by the cloak room - a mess of high chairs a booster seats. I feel a little more relaxed in those places but am still not at ease, not at all.

It's quite in the house. Punk boy is out painting a house - taking advantage of the nice weather and good health that he's been given today. I'm fine with that. The time apart is soothing for me as what little time we did spend together this morning was less than lovely. It sure didn't help with my mounting, uncontrollable stress, that's for sure.

I'm ready to call it a night. Do some reading and relax on the sofa with some stupid TV...