The "A-ha" Moment

I was never a good student; learning never came naturally to me. I had to work hard to understand concepts and to get good grades in school. It was really frustrating, mostly because my sister was a pretty spectacular student and seemed to do this without much effort on her part. I would sit at the kitchen table, crying in complete frustration at my math homework. This scene wasn't rare - it would happen once, twice, sometimes three times a week.

I was, thought, constantly having "A-ha" moments in school - the moment when suddenly everything on the page doesn't look like Greek and suddenly makes complete sense. It's like watching the lake clear of mud before your eyes, like feeling a complete understanding with yourself and what your doing.

I strived for those A-ha moments because, to be honest, they were all that kept me going in school after a while. I didn't see much of a future for myself and I wasn't planning on continuing school once I graduated High School. I am glad my mind changed, mostly due to the pressure from my parents. It was my plan to take a few years off after High School, do some serious writing and if nothing would come of it, then I would maybe consider some form of post secondary education. With their pressure, I entered into University the fall after I graduated.

I still have trouble in University, but found it was of a different variety. I was distracted, I was disinterested and I was discovering who I was outside of high school, out from under my parents wings. When I think back about it, I honestly don't really know how I graduated from University. I suppose I did alright due to the fact most of the courses were things I were interested and the other, mandatory courses, were relatively short. I sucked at math, so I really didn't take it in University. I took the easiest, most basic math course to satisfy my math/science requirement and became fascinated with 20th Century Literature, Advance Creative Writing Classes and Studies in Popular Culture.

But I had lost the A-ha moments.

Was I not challenging myself enough? Did I take the easy way out?

Sometimes I think I do. There was so much more I could have learned, could have forced myself into. I could have expanded beyond my basic math knowledge but something stopped me. Fear? Probably. Numbers scare me.

So its strange that now, my entire career is built on math and numbers and sums. How the heck did that happen? And what makes it worse, makes it almost unbearable is that I am pretty good at what I do. It's analytical, its logical, and its math.

But still, day to day, I find I've lost the A-ha.

What scares me is I am suddenly really desiring that moment, wanting to feel that enlighten feeling you get when everything just suddenly makes sense. I want to challenge myself, I want to push forward.