Sunday, July 03, 2011

Just Like Starting Over

There is an inevitable cycle to things. I suppose this ensures a complete rotation of the good and the bad in life, and maintains balance.

I rather the cycle be replaced with a balance beam, one that requires both ends to be equal, much like a teeder-todder.Regardless of the picture you draw to discribe it, mine is completely out of sync right now. There is no balance, nothing really feels even.

Raising a child is a hard job, and while the older he gets, the easier parts of it get, some areas make me feel like pulling out all my hair from my scalp. There is a streak of defiance that grates on me complete, and pushes me far beyond my on common sense. Those are the moments the balance beam seems to tip and I find myself sitting aside for a minute, trying to calm myself down.

Being calm is the key, you see. I've learned this. It's a very simple lesson, but its one you can forget when wrapped up in the frustrated moments having at two year old can create. Never let them see you sweat, right? The moment you do, you have to start whatever process you were doing at the very beginning and I feel like a complete failure.

Bedtime is the most consistant example. If I can keep it cool, not loose my shit, things work out much better. Not always, but there is a better chance of success. As any typical two year old, kiddo just doesn't want to go to bed when you tell him, and if I stick to the plan of just taking him back to his bed every time he gets out without any conversation, without any anger or frustration, then the process usually ends quickly (if you consider doing this half an hour quickly). As soon as I show my anger, as soon as I start to talk to him, raise my voice at him, then the whole process starts over and it takes twice as long to get him to settle down.

It's a simple lesson, but one that is easy to push aside in a moment of complete frustration when your two year old just won't settle down. I shouldn't get so frustrated, but truth of the matter is a lot of my time after having kiddo isn't my time anymore. I'm up early in the morning, getting him dressed and fed before I get myself ready for work. I work full time, and when I'm done my shift, I got straight to pick him up and bring him home. Then I start to get dinner ready, and then we eat and then its clean up time, after that its kiddos bath and then his bedtime routine of being read a book or two starts and then the 'game' of keeping my cool with he constantly gets out of his bed for the next 30 plus minutes. I want him to sleep because I need some time to myself in all of that. There is nothing wrong with that, there is nothing I should feel ashamed of in that, is there? I love my son but I also love some time to myself.

Lately the battle is getting a chance to sleep in. But as soon as he is up, I'm up with him and while in compared to 5:30 AM wake up on the weekdays, 7:00 AM might not seem so bad, but do that for a month constantly and you start to feel the lack of balance come in and the lack of balance creates riffs that build up over time until completely throw the balance out.

I don't want that, that's for sure.

I would rather just start over, get back to the balance..

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