I like to think I'm a strong person, but as my history shows, I tend to crumble and fall apart when the pressure comes down. I may fake really well that I am together and in charge, but truth be told my insides are often crashing down and there is only a small thread holding everything together.
When it was just myself, I never really had much of a need to keep myself in check. If I crumbled completely and fell apart, that was fine. The only person it would really affect was me and my bruised pride.
Being a mother has changed that.
If I let things get to me, if I cave, it affects not only myself but my son. Think about it - do you remember how devastating it was as a child to see your parents hurt or scared? Its like seeing the fountains crumble around you, crashing down everything you thought was stable and secure.
I've had to learn to put my own shortcomings behind me, now that I am a mother. Kiddo is at the age where he is going to get bumps and bruises - some more serious that others. It's important for me to keep my head, to keep myself together and do everything I can to comfort him in those moments.
Nothing hurts more than seeing your child in pain... and not being able to really do anything to help. Its those moments where I want to cave completely and give into the frustration and fall apart, but I can't. I refuse to.
I need to stay in control, I need to keep him focused on getting beyond the pain, beyond the scrapes, beyond the bruises. Being his rock will only become more important the older he gets, as his aches become mental and internal. There will come a period in time when he won't share with me all the things that make his heart ache and I will feel like there is nothing I can do to make him feel comfort, when in fact, there is. By being there, by staying in control, by being his rock, I will provide the comfort he may or may not know he needs at that moment.
Its a challenge, and its something I can not fail at.