Frustration

There is this never ending well of Frustration in my life - at work, at home, in my car, in public, in private. Things are just frustrating me. I know it all stems from something, but what?

Winter is being rather harsh on me and my positivity this year. I fucking hate things right now. I hate this over-stuffed apartment, ready to burst at the seams. When I first got this place, I was beyond myself with joy, now, at times, I can't stand the sight of it. Home is in a constant state of flux. If the laundry is finally done and put away, then the kitchen is a mess. The kitchen is finally cleaned up and my desk starts to look like a bomb went off. The garbage's finally get taken out and the recycling is barley contained in the bin. If it's not one thing, it's something else.

This is not normal for me. I despise my ability and need to do things this way now. Time with the sea monkey is cut down to just a few small hours in the evening and on weekends and I want to take advantage of that time as best as possible, so that sometimes means letting the laundry sit, folded, on the sofa for a day or two, or letting the mess on my desk fester for a few more days.

Once the kid is in bed, its only a few more hours for me till I'm done for the night. My job, as fantastic as it is, requires me to be in the office at 7:30 every weekday. Not only do I have to be there, but I have to be awake and ready to work. This requires me to go to bed at a decent hour most of the time. There is no staying up late, there is no nights of doing my own thing till three in the morning. That luxury does not exist for me.

I may sound resentful and sure, part of me is. I'm aching for my time to be my time again I'm sure this is normal. Parents probably don't talk about it too much for fear they would sound like hateful people who despise their own offspring. I don't despise my rug rat. I adore him but I also adore my time.

So there is this ongoing frustration, mixed with a subtle depression and the recent fear that I might be suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I'm slightly hypocontraical at times and have been reading a book on the subject lately and find some of the symptoms make me raise eye browns. I do suffer from slight waves of depression at times, and many of the listed symptoms of the two are similar, or is that wishful thinking?

Time to finish the laundry. I really don't want it to be sitting there, on the lounge part of the sofa at this time tomorrow. I really want to be able to sit on that lounge part. I hate the fact that it has become a sort of 'dumping' place.

Changes must be made...

Thank god I'm visiting my doctor next week. Work's cheep-ass chair is giving me shoulder and back pain and I've run out of pills to keep my thyroid in check. Could explain the exhaustion a little bit. I also need to talk to her about my emotions. Punk Boy says I'm exhausting him with all my emotional crap these days so I'm going to talk to my doctor next week. I don't think I'm that depressed, but I do have to admit, I'm not as happy as I used to be. I cry way to often. My sleep is completely screwed up, but that may have something to do with the thyroid. So many questions.

Alright, off to clean up the laundry. Sick of the state of this over-stuffed place...